Gay Wolverine: Origins
by whoresphere
Summary: Whispers tell in the dark of the mystery of Gay Wolverine. But is he real? And will he come for you?
1. A Crime Build for Two?

Chapter 1: Gay Wolverine

Shadows shot up the bricks of the alley cast by the flames within a rusted, burning barrel. Three men warmed their dirty fingers around the fire - burning steadily through old milk jugs and styrofoam.

"Well I heard that his parents were shot in an alley just like ours," outstretching his fingerless gloves, "He took them down there and killed em before they could write him out of the will… on account of what he was."

"Rascal, that's about the dumbest thing I ever heard. First off, that's way too similar to a batman origin story," Cleatus said, pecking at the side of his tattered knit cap.

Rascal shrugged his shoulders and bent down to put more engine oil on his fingerless gloves.

"I don't know, Cleatus," coughed Punchy, "I heard it was the same kind of thing. Like when he got his powers, everyone was ashamed of him. Some victim of society story. Like a Frankenstein deal."

"T'aint no _Frankenstein_ deal, dummy," shouted Rascal, thrusting his hands into the fire, "When did _Frankenstein_ ever fight crime? Not once. He killed that little girl because he was too strong, that's what he done. Aw, dammit, now my hands are on fire." Rascal patted his hands on his patchwork coat, smothering the flames.

Cleatus put his hands under his armpits. "That's right. Crime's been terrible round here. These buildings... " Cleatus points up and around, spinning his arm like a propellor, "That's where it starts… these gosh-darn investment bankers and bondholders."

Punchy puts his hands to the sides of his head and wriggles his fingers like he's that lizard from Jurassic Park, "MARKET FRAUD!"

Cleatus gives a chuckle, "Then they come down here to do their back-alley deals."

"I told em to stay out of my box, but they said they'd do what they please otherwise they'd foreclose on it. They knew I'd stopped payin' my box mortgage a coon's age ago!" Said Rascal, gloves burnt and fingers blistering.

Two figures appeared at the alley entrance. "Hey turd-lickers, where's our box for doing back-alley deals?"

Two men wearing Brioni suits and business shoes slowly approached the burn barrel. The three dishevelled homeless guys backed away shaking, hands raised, "We don't want no trouble, fellas - box is all yours," said Cleatus.

"Y-yeah, no trouble," Punchy punctuated.

One of the businessmen in his fine British suit snatched Punchy's ragged collar, "Well if it isn't Punchy, old buddy, old pal. You used to be a big shot like us, making crooked deals and doing _insider trades_."

"This guy?" said the other businessman, "I've heard about him. Punchy was the best of the best - a regular wolverine of Wall street, as they say."

"What happened, Punchy?" businessman 1 spat into his face, "Cause of you my fat stacks are slightly less fat, but still more than adequate to consider myself part of the 1%."

Another figure appeared at the other end of the alley, walking determinedly toward the group.

Punchy stammered, "I-I just couldn't take it anymore - the lies, deceit… I had to go straight!"

The new mysterious figure stood right behind the businessmen, to where they couldn't see him but the homeless guys could.

"Yeah, he went straight!" shouted Rascal, "Which is more than can be said for this guy!"

"Hey, c'mon, now." said the mysterious figure.

"What," said Rascal, "I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about this guy with his - his _shoes_."

Cleatus then finally spoke up, "Oh! I recognise you now! you're - you're Ga-"

"No, you can stop right there. I don't know how all that nonsense got started but I'm Wolverine. It's just _regular_ Wolverine," Gay Wolverine said to the quintet.

"Who the fuck is Wolverine?" asked the second business guy. "Is that like a rip-off of Gay Wolverine?"

The three homeless men just pointed at Gay wolverine. "That's Gay Wolverine," said Rascal, "He fights crime with the powers of homosexuality, so you better watch your ass! _Literally!_ "

The first business guy immediately let go of Punchy, and twirled around, hands covering his buttocks. The second businessman bent over slightly out of impulse, but then turned around because he saw his buddy do it.

"Ok, let's get this straight…" Gay Wolverine began.

"Good one!" Punchy punched the air.

"No, seriously," Gay Wolverine said, "So first off, I'm not gay, that's just a terrible rumor. There are no powers of homosexuality. What I've got is these claws." He shinked his claws in and out of his fists real quick. "And I've got some kind of rapid healing thing going - as you can see - no wounds," he said displaying his unharmed knuckles. "And my bones are made of adamantium."

"The gayest mineral!" exclaimed Punchy.

"No, just a really strong metal," explained Gay Wolverine. "So I'm using _these_ powers to put a stop to crime."

"I expected Gay Wolverine to lisp a little bit… or have a more flamboyant outfit," Rascal said thoughtfully, stroking his scruff.

"Okay, just one more time - not gay. Anyone here calls me Gay Wolverine or confesses to a serious crime, I'm going to actually kill you. Think about that before you make your next move."

Everyone shuffled nervously for a couple seconds.

"fag wolverine," the second businessman whispered under his breath. He immediately collapsed on the ground, bleeding to death. In less than a second, Gay Wolverine's claws had shinked and unshinked in the man's torso.

"Great," said Gay Wolverine. "Anybody want to do a round two on that or confess to a crime?"

Punchy shifted a little bit, "That businessman's been doing insider trading and financial fraud."

"Nuh-uh!" the business man exclaimed, grabbing Punchy's collar again and pulling back to hit him. "Punchy started it anyway, we just saw how profitable it was!"

Punchy flinched as the hand unclenched immediately. The first businessman collapsed on the ground, sullying his very expensive suit. Wolverine had done the same claw trick as the first time but this time he shinked him in the butt.

"Heh." said Rascal, nudging Cleatus.

Wolverine sighed, "What?"

"No, it's nothing, ' _Regular_ ' Wolverine," snickered Rascal.

Gay Wolverine's eyes narrowed into slits. "I think it's best if you forget everything you saw here."

Punchy turned around, covered his mouth and muffled, "I don't know what you're even talking about."

Cleatus covered his eyes.

Rascal covered his ears, but thought for a second. "Wait we're gonna have two dead guys here in the morning. We're gonna be suspects for a double murder. How are we supposed to get out of this one?"

Gay Wolverine explained, "Just tell the police it was Wolverine - putting an end to crime. They'll be able to match the claw marks to some of my previous unsavory victims."

"What?" said Rascal.

Gay Wolverine slowly pulled Rascal's hands away from his ears. "Just tell them it was Wolverine."

"We didn't know who Wolverine was when you first announced it! How do you expect them to know?"

There was a very heavy sigh. A pause. "Just tell them… it was gay Wolverine."

Gay Wolverine then ran off into the night.


	2. Remembered Memories

Chapter 2: Gay Wolverine: part Deux

As Gay Wolverine ran through the rain (it had started raining), he thought about that fateful night… the night he was invited to join the X-Men. He arrived at the mansion with nothing but the clothes on his back. Shivering in the cold, he rang the doorbell with a timid finger. The door cracked open and Professor X wheeled himself to the entryway. The now open arch beckoned in to the light, to the warmth.

"Ah yes, the new recruit! But you look positively drenched. Let's have you a shower and a warm meal, then we can work on figuring out what your powers are." Professor X closed the door behind the guest, who was looking at all the expensive shit in wonder.

"As you can see here, we are the X-Men," said Professor X, gesturing noncommittally to a flag with a big 'X' on it. "We all have mutant powers and stop crime and whatnot. But let's have you sleep on that. Tomorrow's going to be a big day."

The guest took off his soaking trenchcoat and hung it on a mahogany coat hanger.

"The lavatory is just this way," Professor X said, gesturing to a grand hallway.

The guest began walking in the way of the gesture, before finally sidling up to an ornately decorated door. He opened it to find the men's locker room. But he wasn't alone. Cyclops stood there, muscles glimmering from a hot shower and pinching closed a towel around his genitals. "Hey, doesn't anybody knock around here?" asked Cyclops.

"Sorry, I just wanted to take a shower and go to bed," said the new arrival.

Cyclops, all of a sudden, let go of his towel. "Whoops, looks like I let go of my towel," he said. The guest tried not to look but there's a kind of reflex to look at someone whenever they say something. That's when Wolverine saw cyclops' penis.

"Hey man, are you fucking checking me out?" asked Cyclops. "That's not cool. Are you gay or something?"

"No way, man. I'm Wolverine. I am a new recruit, here to join the X-Men. I'm not queer or nothin, it was just an accident."

"Oh… _GAY_ Wolverine, is it?" Cyclops mocked, "What's your powers? Seeing through dude's clothes?"

"No, that's not it at all…" Gay Wolverine spattered, "I'm just a chill dude who has adamantium bones and can make claws grow out of my hands."

"Uh-huh… Are you sure you can't make other things grow? When you're looking at dudes' junk?" Cyclops then thrust his pelvis back and forth in Gay Wolverine's direction. Gay Wolverine looked away and bit his lip.

"Listen, I'm not gay. I'm the newest X-Man and I just want to take a shower and go to bed so we can discuss my powers and stuff tomorrow. Cyclops ran up to Gay Wolverine and pinned him against the wall.

"Listen, Queer," Cyclops said in a hot breath, "Keep your faggot shit to yourself." Cyclops held Gay Wolverine's wrists to the bathroom tiles. Cyclops's erection was touching Gay Wolverine's thighs. "One: we don't want none of your queer shit in the X-Men. Two: we don't want you checking out our junk. Three: Your powers are gay, and you probably got them from having gay sex with a spider or something. Last: I've got the best powers around, check this out." Cyclops then took off his visor that he wore all the time. His eyes were red.

"See how red my eyes are? I smoke herb day and night. It heightens my reflexes and makes me good at math. Steer queer before I show you what two and two adds up to. And I mean these two fists." Cyclops finally took his hands off Gay Wolverine and started doing some kind of Tai Chi moves in front of him, displaying fists.

"Got it Cyclops," gulped Gay Wolverine, inching toward the exit.

"Oh and another thing I usually tell you new guys is don't check out my hot GF Mary Jean. But I don't have to worry about telling you that… Gay Wolverine."

Gay Wolverine slipped out the door and started running down the hall.


	3. Mystery at the Wharf

Chapter III: Sleepless Night in the X-Man Manor

The tortuous memories streamed through Gay Wolverine's mind just as the cold rain streamed down upon him. It was raining so hard someone could have mistaken the salty raindrops around his eyes for tears.

Gay Wolverine thought about his first night in the X-Man Manor. It was just after Cyclops had threatened him in the bathroom in the last chapter. All the X-Men sat down to eat dinner which was, of course, cooked to perfection by the X-Women.

The chandeliers glimmered in the large, victorian dining hall of the X-Man Manor. White lace crisscrossed the Ornate Mahogany dining room table like a spiderweb. All the X Men were just getting their plates presented to them. Gay Wolverine was playing with his mashed potatoes when he noticed a cute red-headed girl putting out more hot dogs. She caught his eye and then a telepathic thought entered his mind. "Ur pretty cute i'm mary jean by the way ;)" Then made and ok sign with her hand and started putting the hotdog inside and outside of it. Gay Wolverine tried to respond, but the noise of all the other X-Men talking amongst themselves drowned out everything. Mary Jean winked.

Then Professor X stood up at the end of the table, a crystal glass in hand.

"All right, X-Men," he announced, silencing the cajoling, "Our newest X-Man has arrived." He made a flamboyant gesture to Gay Wolverine. "How about you introduce yourself, Logan?"

Gay Wolverine tried to stand up, and was immediately joined in erecting himself by Cyclops, who put an arm around him so tightly it knocked the wind out of Gay Wolverine. "Yeah this is my best bro GAY Wolverine, got the powers of homosexuality and if you've got a problem with it, you've got a problem with ME, got it? We all have to be really tolerant of queers like my best pal GAAAAAAAAAAY Wolverine now, even though it's totally queer to want to have sex with men."

Gay Wolverine opened his mouth and was about to correct Cyclops, but the wind was knocked out of him again. Cyclops had patted his 'buddy' on the back. Really hard. "Yeah so I think Gay Wolverine here is perfect for whatever crimes we have at the queer rallies and gay pride bars."

Then a thought popped into his head, "Sry didnt kno u were gay lol was totes gonna bang u tonite… :(" Mary Jean pouted.

"Well that all sounds amazing!" said Professor X. "Three cheers for Gay Wolverine! Hip-hip"

"Hooray!" All the X-men said. And then they did it twice more.

"Well now we have to figure out who Gay Wolverine is going to bunk with," said Professor X, sitting back down. "Any volunteers?"

Nobody raised their hands.

Cyclops gave a wet whisper in Gay Wolverine's ear, "Looooooser…"

Professor X sighed. "Oh well… Cyclops you've taken good care of Gay Wolverine so far, he'll stick with you."

"What!?" yelled Cyclops, slamming his fists on the table, and rattling all the plates and silverware. "That's fuckin bullshit, Prof! Un-be-fuckin-leavable!"

"No, you're quite right about accepting Gay Wolverine into the fold, and who better than you to shield him from intolerant X-Men," Professor X rubbed his nails on his jacket.

Cyclops gritted his teeth together and took off his visor. His eyes were very red. "Well I'm not doing it. He might get too horny sometime and seduce me one night by confusing my very strongly held feelings."

"Gay Wolverine, don't seduce Cyclops," Professor X said nonchalantly.

"It really won't be a problem, sir since I'm not actually ga-"

"It better not be a problem," said Professor X, "or I'll half your allowance for a week!"

Everyone gasped.

Then dinner was over and Gay Wolverine and Cyclops went back to their room. Cyclops unlocked the door and swung it in. Cyclops clenched Gay Wolverine's collar and brought him a centimeter away from his face. "First thing's first, Queerbait… NO looking at my ass," Cyclops flicked the lightswitch with his other hand, "And NO touching my glass."

The bare lightbulb hung from the ceiling, illuminating the room's peeling green wallpaper, bob marley posters, and the shelves upon shelves of intricately decorated bongs and pipes. The room had a carpet about a foot thick of countless men's body-building magazines and Cheetos brand cheese snack bags. There was one bare mattress in the corner.

"I guess you can make a bed out of these Cheetos wrappers," said Cyclops, already seated on the blue and white striped mattress, packing a bong. He took a couple of hits while Gay Wolverine stood, in shock.

Gay Wolverine was really pissed, but he didn't want Cyclops to beat him up. He laid down and started arranging Cheetos wrappers on his body.

"Allright, lights out, fag." Cyclops got up and turned the lava lamp on next to his bed before turning the lights out. "Yeah," said Cyclops. "This light really mellows me out, man."

Gay Wolverine said feebly, "It's a pretty cool light, man."

"Yeah, you know it, man. Right on," Cyclops coughed, blowing smoke everywhere.

"Fuckin A, right, dude," said Gay Wolverine, with a bit more confidence.

"Amen, broseph," Cyclops sputtered, clapping his hands slowly

"Allllll-Riiiight," Gay Wolverine emphasized, pointing his fingers like guns.

"Yeahhhhh," Cyclops bellowed

"Totally, dude," Gay Wolverine acknowledged, nodding his head affirmatively.

Cyclops yawned, and stretched his arms. "You know what, Gay Wolverine? Maybe you aren't so queer after all. Maybe you're a pretty chill dude."

"Hell yeah, man," said Gay Wolverine.

"PSYCH!" Cyclops snorted, chuckling to himself.

Gay Wolverine heaved a heavy sigh which rustled the Cheetos bags.

"And keep it down, I'm trying to sleep! Jesus I can't believe the mad Prof stuck me with you. What a joke. You rustle one more time and I'm going to come over there and beat your ass so hard you won't be able to walk for a week."

Gay Wolverine stifled a heavy sigh which didn't rustle the Cheetos bags. Cyclops started snoring, speaking out in his sleep, "Root of fifty-four… carry the one… all over th… all ov… all over threeee…"

Gay Wolverine fell asleep watching the glowing wax in the lava lamp bubble and tumble up… and down.

Gay Wolverine woke bleary eyed. It was still dark. He felt something sharp just at the edges of his consciousness - a feeling of warmth? The sound of the ocean in a seashell? No, it was something… different. It was as though he stood on the peak of a mountaintop, and at the edge of the horizon he could make out a figure on the other ridge shouting so loud it was more silent than silence. Then it was like radio static. But Gay Wolverine concentrated. There was a pattern, a rhythm, something familiar about it. Then his mind opened.

"O yssss bby hrder pls! ;o!"

In the low gleam of the lava lamp he saw a figure with red hair rocking slowly back and forth on Cyclops' bed. Gay Wolverine tried to cover his ears, but it was no use. Now that he was tuned into the psychic frequency, he couldn't make it stop.

Gay Wolverine got no sleep that night.


End file.
